There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
Randomize
