At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
