dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize
