Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
