I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Found your dick twin last night
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
Randomize
