get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
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