you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
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