If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
Sex in the backyard? Check.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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