so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Randomize
