I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
