I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
