The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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