I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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