Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
Randomize
