Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
Randomize
