I was hooking up with him in my car, he wouldn't stop with my nipples, I had to literally beat him off of me. He kept groaning too while he was doing it. Sick.
Mommy issues
Taylor Swift is so right about you.
Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
