i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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