My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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