I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
Randomize
