Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
Randomize
