On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
Bro can a girl get pregnant if i jizz in her mouth?
hahahahahahahahahahaha
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
