I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
