I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Randomize
