My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
Someone shattered a urinal.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
Randomize
