Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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