If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Randomize
