I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
Randomize
