I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize