I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
