i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
But break dance skills will only take you so far
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Randomize