OMg patrick swayze is the sexuest man he is killing me I'm gonna get dehydrated if I don't stop looking at him
Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
How'd it feel making her break her religion?
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
