I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
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