Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
Randomize
