i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
