my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Randomize
