Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
