woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Randomize
