And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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