Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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