Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Randomize
