Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
Randomize
