i just wanna soil my oats bro
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
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