so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
Randomize
