I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Randomize
