come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
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