tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
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