There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
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