Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
