I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
