Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
Is masturbating to pics of your ex on Facebook considered cheating?
You are proof that most things are best left unsaid.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
