Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
