Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
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