I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize