Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
Randomize
