I accidentally had phone sex last night
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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