Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
