Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
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