also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
