last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
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