Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
