Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
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