I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Randomize
