i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
Randomize
