did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
